When disenchantment becomes our teacher

Draw up a chair, pour a cup and come to sit with me. It’s been awhile. What’s going on in your world?

A month ago, the solstice invited us into liminal space. And I feel as if I was propelled through an open door into vast spinning space. Whilst my external world remains recognisable, the journey through my inner world has been quite the adventure!

I think about the dwarf planet Haumea – goddess of fire and earth, rebirth and rejuvenation as symbolised in the creation of the Hawaiian Islands. It all sounds so wonderful! I love new beginnings and the palpable vitality in the word rejuvenation. The preliminary, eruptive force, however, can be challenging!

Physically egg shaped, Haumea spins so fast on her axis, that she’s close becoming a dumbbell and splitting in two. Her activity in our life, unless engaged playfully, can feel as if everything is spinning, almost out of control. And listening to the astrological updates for July, with the promise that things are going to be moving fast, it’s likely we’ll all feel a little giddy.

Two weeks ago, I sat at my desk, firm in my intention to write a new moon contemplation. I didn’t know what I was going to write, but that, in itself, isn’t unusual.

I had done my preparation, and I sat poised.

There was so much to say, but try as I might, I just couldn’t find a thread to pull on. Traffic noise funneled up to my open window and try as my mature parent aspect might, my inner child was undistractable. She dug in her heels, intent on her chosen stance of frustrated disenchantment.

Red-faced and flailing in willful anger, Delores (my inner child) screamed out her discontent. Gaining intensity and momentum most, if not all my outer world was splashed as this wave rolled by!

I plugged in headphones, willing Solfeggio frequency melodies to calm my jangled inner world, and block the outer noise. I closed my eyes, focusing on my breath. All is well, all is well . . . Source of all, what would you like me to write?

Sometimes, it seems, all we can do is sit amid the multiple contradictions in life and simply allow them to be.

Pause.

Long pause.

Yes . . .

Then silence.

An hour later, when no more words had made their way to the page, I closed my laptop and walked away.

I felt utterly drained and despondent.

Looking back with the wisdom of hindsight, I could have simply posted what I’d written.

Sometimes, it seems, all we can do is sit amid the multiple contradictions in life and simply allow them to be.

At the time, I didn’t feel able to do that.

I’d made a commitment to publish a contemplation at the new and full moons. And those few words just didn’t meet the expectation that I’d placed upon myself.

It seems, I still have much to learn about trust.

I hate giving up, and in that moment, it felt as if I was giving up.

“You can’t do it” taunted Delores.

The word “can’t” is like a red rag to a bull for me, and once I’d released the outer expectation, the bull was loose, rampaging my inner world.

Trying to escape those destructive, pounding hooves, I strode out, in search of an undisturbed and peaceful place. I needed to quiet the pernicious inner voice; I needed to reconnect with the earth.

Considering I live in a small town that is both fishing village and holiday resort, looking for a place undisturbed by humans at the beginning of the summer holidays is somewhat futile!

My striving search simply added fuel to the sense of disenchantment.

But the physical movement helped the energy to move.

Wisdom words circled through my head.

I could visualise Thich Nhat Hanh’s gentle smile, knowing that true peace begins by cultivating peace in oneself.

I could hear myself speaking about unconditional positive regard and what happens when I want to change others and the world, rather than be changed myself.

But what change in myself was I resisting?

Disenchantment – this word, my best attempt at describing the intensity I was feeling tells me that a spell has been broken.

What enchantment had I been caught in?

All I could feel was the mess behind the shattered illusion!

Sometimes, it seems, all we can do is sit amid the multiple contradictions in life and simply allow them to be.

So, I have been sitting, allowing, feeling, contemplating, waiting.

A week, then another passed, and slowly, slowly new realisations are dawning.

I think I’ve previously mentioned that, in February this year, I entered a social experiment with several thousand others. We’re individually and collectively looking at the structure and flow between various aspects of our life – our life’s work or brand, vocation and culture, creativity, relating and stability, through the lens of the Gene Keys.

One of my current spheres of focus is “Culture”. It incorporates our locale, the people with whom we share buildings or streets, our online communities, friends, family, ancestors, social mores, belief systems and the vows we’ve made to ourselves.

To help us to understand, Richard Rudd, author/transmitter of the Gene Keys, in describing this sphere of Culture says that there is a universal principle at play. And, like all the Gene Keys, this principle has a shadow, gift and transcendent or siddhic level. He suggests that currently, in relation to Culture, much of humanity dwells in the shadow state of Dislocation.

He comments that “one who denies his or her roots is dislocated from their true power in life”.

The gift of Orientation, Rudd continues, emerges from this state of dislocation, as we let go of, forgive the “mistakes” that we and our ancestors have made, and connect to our Culture in the spirit of service.

And Unity, the transcendent state, “testifies that at the core of our being, all humans are interconnected in the great web of life.”

As I’ve been sitting amid the multiple contradictions, I’ve held space for Disenchantment and Dislocation to romp and play, all the while asking them what they want to teach me.

Gradually, like turning polished obsidian in the light of a full moon, many glittering layers are being revealed.

On an outer level, there’s the longstanding disenchantment with party politics and the global leadership decisions that perpetuate war, famine, and poverty.

There’s disenchantment with the way that so many voices have been excluded from history and continue to be excluded today.

There’s disenchantment with the way that humanity is treating the earth.

I could go on!

And for sure, you’ll have your own list!

Whilst acknowledging the outer, let’s look at it as a reflection of our inner worlds.

I wonder, which beliefs, thoughts, emotional patterns, or habitual ways of interacting with the world are causing me to feel disenchanted?

How do I want to feel, and how do I want others to feel in the future?

Thank you Disenchantment for stepping forward as a teacher. Thank you for nudging me towards change, for encouraging me to loosen my grip on the inner-life I’ve known, and to allow myself to sink into the shadowy depths of Dislocation.
Dislocation, I invite you too, to do your work.

Muster your courage and call in fierce grace!
We’re about to enter through “The Portal of Fears”[i].

During a recent game with my adult children, my son suddenly said “Mum, I never knew you were so competitive! I’m watching you and seeing myself!”

Could it be that competition is an innate human quality?

Competition is a funny thing! I’ve skirted around it, actively engaged it, suppressed it, been denied and offered opportunities by it.

I love the understanding that competition drives us towards excellence and hate that it often walks all over others and puffs us up to feel superior.

Perhaps competition is simply neutral, like power – with no inherent goodness or badness. What counts, is the way its energy is channelled.

Dipping back into this sphere of Culture and weaving in the specifics of the Gene Key located here in my profile, I can see how my disenchantment sprang from a feeling of agitation. Agitation, according to Rudd exists because life is beyond our control. We all, he explains, carry the underlying fear that something horrible could happen to us at any moment – and we carry it not in our minds but in our very cells.

This makes so much sense to me! I’ve often been told that I’m a calm person, but any sudden, loud noise – even if expected – makes me visibly flinch and sends a shock wave ravaging through me as if my life were in danger.

I am disenchanted with holding this trauma pattern in my cells.

I don’t want to continue to consciously, or more likely unconsciously spread it in the world. I am actively working to heal myself, knowing that the healing I achieve will ripple both back and forwards seven generations.

So much in our outer world perpetuates this underlying fear that something terrible is about to happen. Just look at the way “news” is reported.

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if instead of catastrophising and focusing on those who’s motivation is greed and desperate clinging to control, mainstream news reported all the stories of courage, compassion, resilience, generosity, and care for one another and the earth?

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if the news contained headlines about the latest healing and regenerative technologies, about advancements in finding new sources of free and renewable power.

Or headlines about the ways people are coming together in communities, to share and regenerate the land, grow food, learn how to live equitable, collaborative lives where each is honoured and valued for their individuality and giftedness, as well as for their essential place in the whole.

Such reporting would surely encourage us inspire us towards a more positive future.

We know that when we allow fear to rule our lives, we’re going to get caught in instinctual responses.

Those of us with more introverted, repressive natures, freeze or fawn, sinking into a sense of hopeless futility, repressing our inherent power, becoming depressed or spending all our energy appeasing others. Those more extroverted, reactive natures, project a potent mix of rage and futility into the world, sending out shock waves of hostility.

Most likely, whilst holding a preference for one form, we will oscillate between the two. I know that has been true for me.

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if, instead of being caught in fear and futility, we could lead ourselves towards feelings of emancipation and deep fulfillment?

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could be supported and encouraged to enter the Portal of Fears, to see them for what they are – just an illusion, created to keep us small, fearful and compliant.

Wouldn’t it be wonderful to step off the beaten track, to take a giant leap onto the path less traveled. It’s an uncertain path of-course, untested, non-conformist. No one has ever walked it before. It’s unique and exquisitely designed to provide all the opportunities we need for our growth.

It’s exquisitely designed to support us to summon our gifts, focus our competitive natures on personal excellence and to release the energy of agitation into a creative project that honours both the individual and the collective.

How wonderful!

As we individually face our fears, feel the depth of our disenchantment then leap into our giftedness, we gradually re-orient ourselves. Each day, as we increasingly express who we truly are, we begin to fully occupy our place in our local and expansive Culture.

Many are already on this path and as disenchantment continues to nudge us towards dislocation, I encourage you to sit amid the multiple contradictions in life and simply allow them to be.

Invite disenchantment to be your teacher.

Under the light of the full moon, who knows what might be revealed.