Remembering

Soon the leaves will settle, pause, consolidate, decompose. Soon, their remains will nurture new life once more.

Can I allow the memories to do the same?

Sweet happy moments caress like warm sun on a winter’s day.

We brought my grandmother to this field to see the cowslips in springtime. Hidden high in the branches of this tree, I could see all the way to London on a clear day. I first went flying down this slope on a Christmas toboggan, on one of those rare occasions when snow covered the ground for more than a day.

Tears well up in response to others.

Thousands of majestic beech trees were lost in the 1987 storms from this hill. I feel like Treebeard, “they were my friends”, more familiar and sweeter to me than the street on which I lived.

In this year of beginnings and endings, the endings are being held in stark relief for me – each one calling out for recognition, reverence, appreciation and . . . release.

Can I extract their essence to blend a beautiful perfume that has been my life so far? Hints of acorn, chestnut and hawthorn, tangy nettle on the tongue with the aroma of blackberry. The perfect accompaniment for the richness of life to come!

So, whilst I wistfully wish for summer warmth and the air on my skin, I also acknowledge that there’s something comforting, nurturing and deeply familiar for me in taking a season to withdraw. Pulling back from the outer world as the nights get longer and the weather colder is perfectly acceptable to my body – will my brain allow it to be so?

I’ve been reflecting on all that I’ve learned these past few years as well.

It’s fascinating to me that some teachings no longer hold me in rapt attention the way they used to, and some practices no longer offer sustenance. Others need to be adapted and honed and then there are those barely swallowed, that need much chewing and contemplation!

Again, I want to offer appropriate recognition and gratitude to each one and, having digested them, enfold and include their essence as my incessant curiosity fertilises new areas for growth in right season.

So, like the trees, I have been shedding!

Shedding some of the accumulated multi-generational clutter that has collected in dark corners and deep drawers. Thanking each piece for its usefulness and service, then sending it on its way to be remade into something new.

Shedding unnecessary emails and notifications.

Shedding subscriptions that looked interesting, but that I’ve never read.

Shedding unrealistic expectations, placed upon myself of deposited there by others.

Shedding attitudes, mindsets and world views that no longer serve me individually, or us as a collective.

Allowing some emptiness, some spaciousness to do its work on me once more.

Allowing emotions to rise like fallen leaves caught on the breeze, before sinking again, down to earth.

Allowing peace to develop in this place of empty unknowing.

So, it’s possible that you won’t hear from me for a while.

Or maybe there will be changes in the style, content, length or frequency of my posts.

That’s the wonderful thing about the empty unknowing – what is to come remains a beautiful surprise!