Authentic Love

Authentic love is to understand both strengths and weaknesses, of yourself and others, and accept them all.

Anam Thubten

More and more, I recognise that the things I write about are the things I’m trying to learn – not just intellectually, but deeply – emotionally, spiritually. I want to imbibe the thoughts, ideas, and principles, digest them and ultimately to emanate them.

This, of-course, is not specific to me. Evolutionary Biologist Elisabet Sahtouris tells how by writing, her thinking developed. By writing novels that she later burned before publishing, she developed the skills she needed as a storyteller. And as a storyteller, she later explained how our understanding of science has been based on unrealistic and therefore inaccurate premises.

Martin Shaw describes an interaction with the revered poet Robert Bly, in which Bly recognises that his poetry is reaching for something, seemingly unattainable, but nonetheless provocative – calling him and us toward greater maturity, greater love.

A long, long time ago, I devoured M. Scott Peck’s A Road Less Travelled. It was one of the first books I read that reached into my heart and changed me in some way. It brought new perspectives and gave language and meaning to my experiences.

Much later, my daughter told me how her sociology teacher had mentioned the book and rolled her eyes when told her it was one of my favourites! Using a very British expression – she said the book was a “Marmite Experience” – you either love it or hate it!

I loved it!

And, because I loved it, I read and absorbed much of Scott Pecks later works, People of the Lie, The Different Drum, Further Along the Road Less Travelled. Each one contributed something profound to my busy life of parenting, participating in community and practicing social work.

I relished the depth of insight, expansive ideas and pearls of wisdom contained within each book. So, I was thrilled to receive a copy of Scott-Peck’s biography as a gift. How wonderful to have the opportunity to get to know the author himself.

What I didn’t realise at the time was that I had, almost imperceivably placed this man onto a pedestal. What a model of loving care and fatherly wisdom! I wanted to sit at his feet and absorb all that he had to teach.

Unwittingly, I had idealised him, projected an image of perfection onto him that is too heavy for any human to bear.

You can imagine then, my dis-appointment on reading the biography when, in my mind, Scott-Peck’s strengths and contributions were overshadowed by his limitations and struggles, his addictions, broken relationships and seeming inability to live by his own teachings. I was especially upset when his own admissions of not being a good father seemed to be confirmed by his son.

Within the disappointment, I could taste betrayal. I felt shocked, angry and let down.

I sadly closed his books but somehow couldn’t bring myself to remove them completely from my bookcase. How could such wisdom have come from someone I now labelled as a despicable human being?

As is often the case, when I sat down to write today, I didn’t know what words would flow and had not imagined this story coming to the fore! It is always my hope that sharing some of my process will support you in yours, perhaps bringing some light into what has been a dark place.

Story, why do you wish to be told today?

I think back to my last email, to the tale of Inanna.

In Sylvia Brinton Perera’s interpretation[1], Inanna “must see the limits of the fathers”. It is part of the process of initiation, of individuation and of stepping out from the identity as father’s daughter.

Perera speaks about the ancestral father principle being depotentiated and says:

“When she can look behind the façade of the idealised father as model, a woman can begin to see the human fragility which it concealed, and she can then be freed from the compelling magnetism of that ideal.”

Is this the case also for men? I hope so, but I don’t want to presume.

I didn’t enjoy being freed from the compelling magnetism of the ideal! I wished I hadn’t seen behind the façade!

Sometimes remaining in a fantasy is far more comfortable. Being let-down into reality can be hard.

Perera describes how one of her clients “felt a genuine loss, and mourned the end of a system of identity that had given her life meaning [although] the meaning was not grounded in reality.”

Whilst this client was working through the difficult relationship she had had with her biological father, I could relate to the sense of loss and acknowledge that my feelings of having been betrayed, of shock and anger were my expressions of grief – a grief with much deeper and more profound roots, that had been activated through learning of an author/ teacher’s humanity.

So, why now?

Today is the new moon, that time once again for setting an intention. This time for the beginning of 2025. What a great way to start the Gregorian calendar’s new year!

Heather Ensworth describes this as a time for “radiating peace, love and harmony”. Alan Clay says it’s a time to remove barriers to happiness, and to open to intimacy, opportunity and spiritual or higher love. And Kathy Rose, another astrologer explains that Venus is going to be spending January in Pisces – supporting us to act from our humanity, with compassion.

How wonderful!

We’re all being supported to love more authentically!

I know that a wounded-child aspect of me has the capacity to be quite dismissive when I’m disappointed. And that wounded little one can swing from adoration to hatred in an instant. I’m working with this wounded aspect of myself, recognising it is a self-protective mechanism and learning to care for her in such a way that she no longer needs to be reactive.

Now, when I feel a hardness in my heart, I try to remember that the hardness is the shell that contains the seed of a gift. I notice it, accept it, take it deep within, water it and allow it to soften.

Taking the hard feeling of betrayal, I started trying to forgive Scott-Peck, but this left me feeling nothing more than self-righteous!

It was only as I allowed the hard shell to soften, that I was able to accept that I had been let-down from nothing more than my own projection.

Scott-Peck has only ever spoken of himself in humble and realistic terms. It was me who projected this idealised father/teacher façade onto him.

And to add insult to injury, I was then angry with him for not living up to this projected false image!

Imagine what could have happened if it was with someone that I had an actual relationship with! I cringe to think of the potential harm that my wounded inner-child could have caused in her reactivity.

It turned out, my work was to be soft and forgiving with myself. I had a lot of learning to do about social conditioning and expectations, about projections and fantasy and idealisations and self-protective mechanisms.

There will be more to learn! We are all in process!

For now, I can gently remind myself that fragility is part of the human condition and that our strengths and gifts are born from the ground of our struggles and shadows.

I know how much I dislike being put in a box, having the expectations of others placed upon me – and yet, I too have placed unrealistic and unattainable expectations of “perfection” onto others.

So, as we enter the first new moon cycle of 2025, I’m considering whether the barriers to my happiness might be self-imposed, unrealistic expectations that I’ve placed upon myself or someone close to me.

Perhaps you would like to ask with me

In what ways can I love more authentically, understanding both strengths and weaknesses of myself and others, and accept them all with loving-kindness and compassion?

Sending warm blessings for 2025.
May it be filled with authentic love, peace and joy.

Be happy, be safe, be well,

Annie